Ebook Modern Kinship, by David Khalaf Constantino Khalaf
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Modern Kinship, by David Khalaf Constantino Khalaf
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Review
“In this much-needed book, David and Constantino Khalaf take the conversation around same-sex relationships in the church beyond apologetics, offering practical insight and wisdom for LGBTQ Christians seeking to find their way in the world of dating, love, sex, and marriage, all too often without the family and community support they deserve. Through their writing, the Khalafs also show how the faithful witness of same-sex Christian couples can enrich and inform the practice and understanding of marriage for all Christians, regardless of sexual orientation.”—Matthew Vines, Executive Director of The Reformation Project and author of God and the Gay Christian: The Biblical Case in Support of Same-Sex Relationships“David and Constantino Khalaf have given the LGBTQ Christian community several gifts. Together, they have taken years to work through some of the most crucial conversations and challenges facing an LGBTQ couple who may be seriously dating, engaged or even newly married. David and Tino, thoughtful relationship leaders, have now compiled their wisdom and experiences in this much-needed book. Marriage counseling is often unavailable for LGBTQ Christian couples. In its lieu, David and Tino have created an effective tool that encourages couples to have productive conversations about engagement and wedding plans, fidelity, family, and children. Their book is truly a gift.”—Kathy Baldock, Executive Director of Canyonwalker Connections and author of Walking the Bridgeless Canyon: Repairing the Breach between the Church and the LGBTQ Community“Christians are overdue for a marriage resource that is intentionally inclusive across all sexual orientations. Modern Kinship is an instant classic, helpful to couples of any arrangement—including straight folks.”—Mike McHargue, Host of Ask Science Mike and Cofounder of The Liturgists“Couples in same-sex marriages have few places to turn to, and even fewer public examples, for modern, wise counsel on what it takes to build a healthy relationship that will last. Modern Kinship has arrived just in time. New information for and about same-sex committed relationships was the least of all the gifts I received from reading this book. This book brought me a new perspective on faith, fidelity, and what it really means to be a family. I’m thrilled to be able to have something to offer same-sex couples who are looking for practical ways to build a life they love.”—Michelle Peterson, Author of #staymarried: A Couple’s Devotional and Cohost of The#staymarried podcast “This book goes deep. Dave and Tino invite to think deeply, no matter our relationship status, and ask the questions: What does it mean to bring our full selves to our intimate relationships? Their stories of dating, navigating sexual ethics, working with shame, and figuring out how to do marriage as a gay Christian couple are full of hard-won wisdom. Modern Kinship is as practical as it is inspiring; it gives me great hope.—Matthias Roberts, Host of Queerology: A Podcast on Belief and Being“Modern Kinship is the book that LGBTQ couples have been waiting for. David and Constantino Khalaf take on important and often taboo topics with both wisdom and vulnerability. Offering direction and hope to a marginalized group of people who have long been left out of marriage discussions, Modern Kinship not only validates the unions of LGBTQ couples but helps them last and thrive. I am grateful to finally have a resource for those who need life-giving advice on how to make their marriage last.”—Amber Cantorna, National Speaker and Author of Unashamed: A Coming-Out Guide for LGBTQ Christians and Refocusing My Family “I can’t think of a better book when it comes to helping kinfolk in and around our church find belonging, purpose, and love available to all of us! Jesus invited us to embrace the kingdom of God that was among all of us. The Khalafs offer just that to those LGBTQ friends pursuing Christian marriage and allies supporting them along the way.”—Adam Nicholas Phillips, Founding Pastor of Christ Church: Portland“As a pastor who was trained on conservative theology, my only knowledge of romantic relationships was based on cisgender heteronormativity. So when our son came out, we have no vision of what a nonhetero relationship would look like. As I’ve gotten to know Dave and Tino, they have helped me see the beauty of what I had never seen. Their stories removed much of the fears I had for my gay son by undoing the harmful stereotypes that I was brought up with. And I’m thankful that I now finally have a book that I can recommend to queer Christian couples. But the importance of this book is not limited to only queer couples; it is invaluable for parents of queer children who have little understanding of what a healthy, romantic, queer relationship looks like.”—Pastor Danny Cortez, Founder of Estuary Space
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About the Author
David and Constantino Khalaf are a married couple based in Portland, Oregon, who write the blog Modern Kinship to provide a model and guide for other LGBTQ Christians pursuing lifelong partnerships. Their writing also appears at the Gottman Institute, a leader in relationship counseling and advice.
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Product details
Paperback: 230 pages
Publisher: Westminster John Knox Press (January 8, 2019)
Language: English
ISBN-10: 0664264611
ISBN-13: 978-0664264611
Product Dimensions:
5.5 x 0.6 x 8.5 inches
Shipping Weight: 9.9 ounces (View shipping rates and policies)
Average Customer Review:
4.9 out of 5 stars
33 customer reviews
Amazon Best Sellers Rank:
#192,611 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)
David and Contantino Khalaf’s Modern Kinship: A Queer Guide to Christian Marriage is a groundbreaking book, not because it is another book that attempts to argue for the validity of gay marriage, but that it actually deals with the lived experience of LGBTQ people who have married and who identify as Christian. Central to the book is the story of the lives of these two men, but mixed in between their continuing story are those of a couple dealing with a transgender partner, a lesbian couple, a gay couple that combines Jewish and Christian traditions, and a straight couple. The intention, of course, is to show the commonalities across a range of sexualities and gender identities, with primary attention given to David and Constantino’s life journey. The added dimension here is that these are two individuals who are a part of a Christian faith community, and that provides a rich dimension to their understanding of themselves. Several times throughout the book, the writers speak about how they understanding the Trinity to function as an emblem in their relationship.In a society where heterosexuality is understood as the majority description, that means marriage—and most often children—element the understanding of what it means to live in the best way. In Chapter 12, they write:"Marriage is not a summit upon which you’ll live happily ever after. Marriage is a lifetime commitment to grow and work with one another toward what Jewish tradition calls tikkun olam: the healing of the world or, the interpretation we like best, “a construction for eternity.†Each of us—married, single, cis, trans, gay, straight, black, white, rich, poor— has a unique and vital role in the construction of eternity, and not one role is more important than another." (190)Marriage is thus a part of a mission as they understand it. But as they assert, marriage is not for everyone, and as the traditional service of marriage says, it should be entered into with care, preparation, and reflection. These writers would absolutely agree.Chapters dealing with shame around sexuality, decisions about getting married in a public way, finding a place within a supporting religious community, dealing with the ups and downs in relationships, being clear about finances, and myriad examples of the dynamics of daily human interactions populate a book that is written for living based on their lived experiences. What readers will find is the honesty of the writers about their likes and dislikes and how they worked through them.While the book is clearly written for an LGBTQ audience either in married relationships or perhaps for those with the hope of that possibility in the future, there is a secondary audience here: the religious community. They examine the awkward and often challenging relationships of churches and other religious communities when same-sex couples begin to date, become a part of those religious communities, desire marriage in that context, and continue to live out their commitments to one another, to the group, and to the Christ in that context.Readers are unlikely to encounter such honesty about the challenges of relationships outside therapy sessions or programs sponsored by organization intended to support healthy relationships. What seems very clear is that radical honesty here is the key to those relationships. As they write, “we wanted to offer our lives and our relationship as one example of what a gay union could actually look like†(p. 209). They have opened the doors of their lives, and that change might bring about the reconnection between the church and the larger world and the church and the LGBTQ community. Those are the hopes on which the journey in the book ends. Each chapter ends with some thoughtful reflections questions to extend the reader’s own perceptions.This book breaks new ground, and its readership will be wide. I would venture to say that anyone reading the book will gain from their insights.
I just finished your book and wanted to tell you how meaningful it was for me. I’m gay, but in a 28 year mixed orientation marriage so I wasn’t sure why I was lead to read your book. The reason became very clear to me after I began reading it. I needed to hear about your wonderful, very ordinary story of marriage. I needed to grapple with some remaining internalized homophobia that I still carry and to ask God to fully release me from whatever traces of it remain. I needed to see other gay men love Jesus as I do. I needed to expand my definition of what it means to be gay and christian. I needed to expand my sense of community and kinship. I needed to learn additional beautiful ways to love my wife, children and friends. I needed to be reminded that God is big enough to contain both of our stories. May God bless you.
I pre-ordered this book back in October 2018. It was finally delivered, as released, but I had other books ahead of it on my list and didn't think much about it. Once I dove in, I was struck by how relatable this perspective was for me, a straight woman in an interfaith marriage with a step-kid and (by choice) no biological children of my own. Any marriage or relationship that doesn't seem to quite fit inside that pre-determined Christian "nuclear family" box can benefit greatly from this account.It especially spoke to me, as a self-proclaimed outsider kind of Christian (no molds fit). In chapter 2, the authors reminded me of the importance to be aware, but not afraid or critical of the uncertain. Faith is much bigger, much more inclusive, much more complex, and MUCH more loving than most of us have been taught.This book allowed me to feel like I could "fit": as a lover of God, as an independent woman, as a woman childless by choice, as a wife and partner to a non-Christian, and so much more. Thank you, gentlemen, for sharing your heart and for creating something so needed for the LGBTQ community AND for me.
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